I would like to see less emphasis on relationships (which are always at least partly self-centered, you comprising of half of each one) and more on community. Yes, we're lonelier and more disconnected. But what about the lack of an organic, place-bound network of people that comprise our social context? Most people had that (most still do, in poorer places) until pretty recently, and its absence must be a huge factor (I would think). Some of my happiest days were as a soldier... and I firmly believe that the rates of suicidality and 'PTSD' are as much to do with loneliness and loss of social context/purpose as any discrete psych trauma.
Loneliness and a lack of community are such important factors. We look at mental health through a medical lens and yet often put limited thought into the social factors.
I haven’t seen a more wonderful description of how and why we are isolated and why it’s so seductive. The awkward friction between realities and agendas is burdensome. Always has been—that Sartrean hell. It’s also the price of having warm bodies within reach, getting the rough edges of our humanity tumbled off, and having our own outlook both acknowledged and put into perspective. And learning to admit the reality of others. Screens invite us to retreat back into the solipsistic omnipotence of toddlerhood that we had to unlearn so painfully—for real rewards. … I’m sharing this as widely as I can. 🙏🏼
Loved this! Relationships have changed! Like you say, some new technologies are fab; I love to be able to video call loved ones back home. On the other hand, I was having a hard time the other day and reached out to a friend… I quickly realised she was using AI on messenger to reply to me! Ouch!
Apt. But you know what doesn't exist in the world? A proper step by step guide for the socially munted people who want to improve their relationships, i.e. get some of those good friends, but who can't put into practice the high level tactics of social engineers like Vanessa van Edwards. These people, we, have so many of the wrong learned behaviours that it's not the 20 big things you should do that we need to learn, but the 17000 tiny steps that break bad social habits and form new habits.
It probably couldn't exist because the whole thing is an iterative, trial-and-error process, and what works for one person won't for the next -- did you catch the whole Askers versus Guessers discussion in the early 2010s? But at the same time there are themes: not many people love being nitpicked, for example. Truly every person's life work to figure it out but I know the 'socially munted' start with handicaps. Short of trying again and again and again with flesh-and-blood people, I reckon reading a tonne of novels would get you closer to those 17,000 steps than any step-by-step guide.
I would like to see less emphasis on relationships (which are always at least partly self-centered, you comprising of half of each one) and more on community. Yes, we're lonelier and more disconnected. But what about the lack of an organic, place-bound network of people that comprise our social context? Most people had that (most still do, in poorer places) until pretty recently, and its absence must be a huge factor (I would think). Some of my happiest days were as a soldier... and I firmly believe that the rates of suicidality and 'PTSD' are as much to do with loneliness and loss of social context/purpose as any discrete psych trauma.
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/p/modern-communities
Loneliness and a lack of community are such important factors. We look at mental health through a medical lens and yet often put limited thought into the social factors.
This reminds me of when my old boss was roasted by her boss when he said to her, "You know where all the hottest, best men hang out... On TV!"
Well-written. Real relationships are hard work.
I haven’t seen a more wonderful description of how and why we are isolated and why it’s so seductive. The awkward friction between realities and agendas is burdensome. Always has been—that Sartrean hell. It’s also the price of having warm bodies within reach, getting the rough edges of our humanity tumbled off, and having our own outlook both acknowledged and put into perspective. And learning to admit the reality of others. Screens invite us to retreat back into the solipsistic omnipotence of toddlerhood that we had to unlearn so painfully—for real rewards. … I’m sharing this as widely as I can. 🙏🏼
Loved this! Relationships have changed! Like you say, some new technologies are fab; I love to be able to video call loved ones back home. On the other hand, I was having a hard time the other day and reached out to a friend… I quickly realised she was using AI on messenger to reply to me! Ouch!
fucked up & wrong imo
Apt. But you know what doesn't exist in the world? A proper step by step guide for the socially munted people who want to improve their relationships, i.e. get some of those good friends, but who can't put into practice the high level tactics of social engineers like Vanessa van Edwards. These people, we, have so many of the wrong learned behaviours that it's not the 20 big things you should do that we need to learn, but the 17000 tiny steps that break bad social habits and form new habits.
It probably couldn't exist because the whole thing is an iterative, trial-and-error process, and what works for one person won't for the next -- did you catch the whole Askers versus Guessers discussion in the early 2010s? But at the same time there are themes: not many people love being nitpicked, for example. Truly every person's life work to figure it out but I know the 'socially munted' start with handicaps. Short of trying again and again and again with flesh-and-blood people, I reckon reading a tonne of novels would get you closer to those 17,000 steps than any step-by-step guide.
There is one covering the entry-level "making friends" stuff, though:
https://thingofthings.substack.com/p/review-the-social-skills-guidebook